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Subtitles and Footnotes on the Life of Christopher L Heuertz

If we can’t fail beautifully then I’m not sure we’re really living authentically human. 12:11 PM Feb 25th via web
Anyone else find it interesting that many of the songs sung in churches are inspired by the poetry of a polygamist who killed a man? 10:46 AM Feb 18th via web
After surviving Valentine’s couples yoga I decided to make up my own yoga moves: startled meerkat, chasing the dancing dog & the blind ferret 6:40 PM Feb 13th via web
Pirates or Presidents? “Because I use a small boat I am called a robber; because you use a large fleet you are called an emperor” -Augustine 9:37 AM Feb 3rd from web
Dear Liz and Twyla, EVERYONE in the airport can hear what you’re saying… 10:26 AM Jan 25th from web
“Friendship Evangelism” is a betrayal of friendship. 9:58 AM Jan 22nd from web
Phileena just said, “I want it worse than you don’t want it.” Verbatim. 9:54 PM Jan 19th from web
Sorta feel like Mt Rushmore for the Native Americans is the equivalent of having Israeli Prime Ministers faces carved into Egyptian pyramids 3:17 PM Jan 10th from web
And my theory is confirmed: what John Cusack was for the 1980’s, Michael Cera is for the 2000’s. Hip, quirky, self-effacing & romantic 7:24 PM Jan 2nd from web
Over-identifying people with ideological labels is reductionism & a consistent characteristic of religious & political fundamentalists 10:27 PM Dec 29th, 2009 from web
Just realized that I can name more college football coaches than US senators, members of congress & state governors combined. Sorry America 7:46 PM Dec 29th, 2009 from web
Just heard Uganda has more cell phones than light bulbs. Makes me wonder how much of the world has more access to Coca-Cola than clean water 12:51 PM Dec 27th, 2009 from web
A lifelong Christmas wish finally fulfilled-we totally captured one of Santa’s elves. Making him cook lunch for us right now. 1:14 PM Dec 25th, 2009 from web
Wrote Phileena a snowed-in Christmas poem: “You’re a hotty, you have a slamm’n body, It makes me want to be naughty”~ 1:09 PM Dec 25th, 2009 from web
Given my genes, it’s a miracle that all 6 of my sweet little nieces are in the 100 percentile for cuteness. Super duper adorable~ 5:51 PM Dec 24th, 2009 from web
Patriarchy is the paternal twin of racism 4:35 PM Dec 21st, 2009 from web
I’m fine calling God “he” as long as we can also call her “she.” Let’s just try not to over-identify God with gender pronouns. 12:02 AM Dec 20th, 2009 from web
Thinking about changing my name to Sweeto Locito~ 6:26 PM Dec 15th, 2009 from web
When negotiating my first book contract I asked for author-inspired action figures, bobble heads and cell phone charms… Still waiting 2:43 PM Dec 13th, 2009 from web
I’m pretty sure that sound-reduction headphones technology was stolen from a downed alien aircraft. Sorta not joking~ 11:10 AM Nov 28th, 2009 from web
Can we stop saying “3rd World” and start saying “Majority World” since MOST of the globe lives in the formally referred to “3rd World”? 4:21 PM Nov 27th, 2009 from web
The apparent lack of an accent in Costa Rica’s Spanish makes it the linguistic equivalent of Nebraska’s spoken English. Nebraska=Costa Rica 11:38 AM Nov 25th, 2009 from web
Every time I use a hotel TV remote I feel like I can’t wash my hands long enough to get *whatever* it is off them… 10:56 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from web
Just saw a copy of my book at a bookstore on Duke’s campus-sort of ironic since I’m far from smart enough to study at this joint 12:04 PM Nov 16th, 2009 from web
Whoa… just got a bill from my counselor and feel I’m gonna need to talk to ANOTHER counselor to process the impact of that bill… 12:05 PM Nov 4th, 2009 from web
For Halloween I dressed up as Chris Heuertz (more like a disguise than a costume) and totally tricked everyone~ 10:14 PM Oct 31st, 2009 from web
When I see someone cry I wondering why their mind is letting their body involuntarily respond that way-when I cry, I know I’m out of control 6:15 PM Oct 31st, 2009 from web
Ordered a set of books on the 7 Deadly Sins-all will be in tomorrow except (ironically) the one on “Sloth” which will take 2-3 more months~ 4:49 PM Oct 27th, 2009 from web
Obama winning the Nobel Prize is not affirmation of what he’s done but an indictment of what the previous US administration did 7:58 AM Oct 9th, 2009 from web
If we think our significance comes from being important, we’ve missed it, our importance is because of our significance-something beyond us. 1:08 PM Oct 8th, 2009 from web
The opposite of significance is importance. Significance points to something beyond ourselves, larger than ourselves. 1:08 PM Oct 8th, 2009 from web
WMF Omaha predictable uniform (in order of frequency): 1) TWLOHA gear, 2) WMF gear, and tied 3) Aaron Strumple gear & 3) Zach Williams gear 3:39 PM Oct 3rd, 2009 from web
If government can ticket us for not having car insurance then why not health insurance? Do we really value property more than humanity? 9:03 AM Sep 18th, 2009 from web
I am a liberated man-doing all my own laundry now~ 6:41 PM Aug 28th, 2009 from web
I thought “Go Diego Go” was the “Dora the Explorer” knock-off equivalent of the “Friends” knock-off, “Joey”-but Amani set me straight 5:36 PM Aug 21st, 2009 from web
Baby sitter fail: “paper cake.” Funniest thing I’ve heard in a LOOOOONG time… 9:40 AM Aug 19th, 2009 from web
If I could get anything I wanted, I think I would pick my very own Jawa 8:38 PM Aug 4th, 2009 from web
Peligro es mi segundo nombre 11:01 PM Aug 2nd, 2009 from web
Uv korse ef u noo mi u noo eye kant spel vary gud, butt cum onn allredi-it’s Mother Teresa, not Theresa. No “H” in her name~ 7:36 PM Jul 22nd, 2009 from web
Monday mornings are rough… like trying to swallow a dry handful of Captain Crunch Crunchberries 9:17 AM Jul 20th, 2009 from web
I have some pretty firm boundaries established, chief among them: I will not share fingernail clippers-even if I love you. I’m just saying 11:35 PM Jul 17th, 2009 from web
“Champions are made, not born, and the factory is in Lincoln, Nebraska.” Just drove by the temple of college football: Memorial Stadium!~ 4:35 PM Jul 13th, 2009 from web
Public Service Announcement: the fury has been unleashed, she now has a Twitter account… @phileena 1:18 PM Jul 13th, 2009 from web
Fashion lesson learned in rural Nebraska: cowboy hats or camouflage are always hot, but if want to pop find a way to add an American flag 12:50 PM Jul 12th, 2009 from web
Phileena just sent the first draft of her book to her publisher! Celebrating w/ a little bubbly-Miller High Life, “the champagne of beers” 6:10 PM Jul 10th, 2009 from web
If the soul of blues possessed a young white man, I’m pretty sure it’d have to be Zach Williams 11:13 AM Jul 10th, 2009 from web
Sometimes when I walk past super duper skinny people I want to push them to see if I can knock them over-so far I’ve show restraint…so far 5:07 PM Jul 2nd, 2009 from web
Prime numbers are my favorite. Almost all of them 11:30 AM Jul 2nd, 2009 from web
I sort of hate to think of it this way, but at 37 years old I might “technically” be middle-age. I mean, living till 74 wouldn’t be too bad 10:47 AM Jun 23rd, 2009 from web
I’m just saying, it seems like everyone who works at an American Apparel store looks like a 1970’s porn star with clothes on 3:13 PM Jun 21st, 2009 from web
Let’s kick this dog in the stomach and get it screaming (a.k.a. let’s get this thing started already)~ 3:43 PM Jun 18th, 2009 from web
Oh. Today is “Slave Leia” day on my Star Wars concept drawing flip-calendar. 8:55 AM Jun 15th, 2009 from web
I’m often left wondering why evangelicals reduce humanity to potential converts… 9:51 PM Jun 9th, 2009 from web
In the US some consider me “fun size,” but here in Korea I think I might be categorized as “borderline tall.” 3:35 PM Jun 4th, 2009 from web
Like a can of Schlitz, at first Conan O’Brien seems cheap and nasty-but after a little love and patience, you’ll be hooked for life 11:14 PM Jun 2nd, 2009 from web
Everything in moderation except for LOVE~ 1:11 PM May 31st, 2009 from web
No wonder she won the National Spelling Bee, she had to learn to spell her name: Kavya Shivashankar. Dang 8:52 PM May 29th, 2009 from web
Going to the ‘Mai Thai Lounge’ tonight-better bring a sling for my liver. 6:13 PM May 29th, 2009 from web
3 Best All-Time Songs: 3) Pride (In the Name of Love) by U2, 2) Just a Friend by Biz Markie, 1) Stir It Up, by Bob Marley 5:31 PM May 27th, 2009 from web
Outdoors Day Discovery Moment: mountains are the boobs of the earth 1:16 PM May 24th, 2009 from web
Phileena just said “I’ve had an early morning every night this week.” What!? 9:35 PM May 12th, 2009 from web
Heard that Yani is coming to Omaha later this month. Here’s some local advice: if you want look like a magician, learn some tricks. 9:29 AM May 12th, 2009 from web
Ohhhhhhh morning. Why? It’s not that I stayed to late, but that I had to get up too early 8:40 AM Apr 28th, 2009 from web
You can tell how awesome a bar is by how much like piss the bathroom smells-I know, that’s a bad sentence 9:59 PM Apr 27th, 2009 from web
Trying to take “indigenous” out of my vocab & replace it w/ “autochthonous” – problem is, I can hardly pronounce it & nobody’s gonna care 10:50 AM Apr 19th, 2009 from web
I’m thankful that Phileena found a home for her soul 12:08 PM Apr 12th, 2009 from txt
Congrats Phileena on signing and mailing in your book contract today! Can’t wait to read the the book!!!~ 10:43 PM Mar 17th, 2009 from web
I’m wondering if I can get conjunctivitis or other eye related ailments from looking through the peephole in my hotel room… 8:35 PM Mar 15th, 2009 from web
I think I just figured out how to update Twitter with my cell phone. And 2006 just called to laugh at me. 9:37 AM Mar 1st, 2009 from txt

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