26th
Who Gives This Woman To Be Married To This Man?
I was privileged to be a part of Bethel Lee and Dave Namkung’s wedding this weekend.
Oh Canada… it was in Victoria, which might be one of my new all-time favorite North American cities.
The church was beautiful and the reception was a frigg’n blast (Dave is a wild man and unleashed on the dance floor… I wish I had video). But I really loved the ceremony.
I’ve solemnized or been the co-celebrant for at least 15 weddings—yes it’s true, I’m ordained (the “Right Reverend Vicious” as Dave “the Haze” Halstead calls me)—but Bethel and Dave’s ceremony was maybe the most humanizing liturgy I’ve seen drafted for a wedding.
The eruptions of humanizing language were simple, could have even gone unnoticed, nuances related to the dignity of the bride.
Now maybe it’s just my need to be against (I wanted to originally name this blog post, “I’ll Give you 10 Camels For Your Daughter”), but a traditional wedding ceremony seems to carry within it some subtle yet offensive gender assumptions. Traditionally, little statements here and there imply possession of a woman—a sense of ownership that teeters on the edge of transferring her as property from father to groom.
It’s the statements like,
- “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?”
- “You may now kiss your bride,”
- even the pronouncement, “It is with great honor that I introduce to you for the very first time Mr. and Mrs. fill-in-the-husbands last name,”
that seem to reinforce the subtleties of ownership and possession.
Yes, Phileena took my last name—however, we’ve discussed her recovering her family’s name. Her father did “give her away” at our wedding, it does sound a little crazy to write it that way though. And, in our wedding I was told I could kiss my bride. But as we have grown over the years and began to see how language, symbols and ceremony are historically tilted in the favor of the groom, we are now encouraging people to consider how to give themselves in marriage that affirms the dignity of both partners.
Bethel and Dave had both sets of their parents stand and affirm their blessing of the marriage and they found simple but intentional language like, “You may now seal your vows with a kiss.”
Their wedding was fresh and imaginative. I’m inspired and will never be able to perform a traditional ceremony again without affirming the dignity of both partners in the liturgy.
